i am your mom.

Dear Madeline and Cole, 

Sweet ones, what a joy you are. The Lord has blessed my life with the 2 of you. As long as I can remember when people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up regardless of the answer that I gave, being a mom was at the top of my list. Little did I know that one day He would grace my life with 2 wonderful pregnancies, healthy deliveries and my dear kids. You 2 know me in a completely different way than anyone else in the whole world. You see my life in a perspective that no one else sees and think thoughts and feel things about me that only you have. Madeline you were the one that made me a mom. Cole you were the little boy I always dreamed of having. 

The past year of motherhood has brought so many experiences, thoughts, prayers, tears, smiles, memories, love, conversations and plans that I had never considered or imagined. Today I really feel like a mom, I feel the burden and tug on my heart that moms talk about and girls dream of. The thought of you can bring a smile to my face of none other. 

Everyday I think about, dream of and imagine up all of the memories that we have ahead and it is amazing to know that the reality of them will be better than my narrow mind. You both are so unique and God’s creative power is so evident in your life,yet regardless I can look at you and know that you are MY child. I know as years go on I will say things like, “When I was little…”, “I did the SAME thing”, “I remember how that felt”, or eventually, “I had that same outfit” and it will bother you, you will roll your eyes, and probably make fun of me. Even today you can’t even talk and my heart already lurches and wants to tell you those things. Not because I want you to think we are the same, that I am cool, or even that I know more. What I want you to know is that everything will be ok, this too shall pass, keep persevering, that Christ is your only hope, salvation, joy and savior.

Madeline when I sing your song to you throughout the day, it really is my prayer for you; to grow up strong, that you would love the Lord and that you would know that you are my sweet girl. Cole as a boy and man I want you to be brave and strong and I want you to look to God for Help and Joy. I want your first thought to be that God is your source for all things. That the bible has everything you need for life and Godliness. 

Sweetness and Manly, I want you to know that I would do anything for you. Well, anything that is legal, honoring to the Lord and wise. When I bombard you with questions about your day, life, heart and thoughts it’s because I want to know specifically how to pray for you. I want to give you a wonderful and joyful life and see the sweet smile that lights up your face. We will have many fun times, surprises, laughs, celebrations, memories, tears and opportunities to trust God. However, my only desire is that I want you to see Christ in my life and desire Him yourself. I want you to pray fervently, serve others and encourage others with the mighty Word of God. I pray that God would bring you to Himself at a young age and that we can worship Christ together forever. 

 This past year has brought so many experiences that I never expected, wanted or considered. Madeline, today you wore the cutest dress to church and I was so tickled to see your little body walking around looking so cute. I went to church with wet hair, in an outfit I wore yesterday and arrived 15 minutes late. It all started when Cole slept 9 hours straight last night for the first time and when my alarm went off I decided to snuggle him in bed before I got up. Mads you weren’t a snuggler, so whenever Cole cuddles in I want to soak up the moments, apparently I enjoyed them a little too long because I got going later than I should have. People have told me that being a mom is a sacrifice, is hard, never ending and hard work. It is. That is the fruit of it, but all of it stems out of love; I am finding that the love of a mother runs deep. Having both of you has put a different perspective on life, goals, and success. Many things that used to be so important have faded away. When I sat in the hospital with you Madeline when you had the flu I didn’t even care that I was covered in all kinds of your bodily fluid with no tooth brush, all I wanted was for you too be comfy, feel loved and safe, and get better. Tomorrow I am not going to Chico because Cole needs to stay home and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I don’t resent it, I’m not disappointed; because it’s not important. It would be fun but it is not a priority. You are. I will put myself on hold for the rest of my life if that is what the Lord has for me and it’s ok.  

Kids. I love your dad more than anyone in the whole world. He is an incredible man who the Lord has tested and tried from a young age. He is wise, strong, brave, hard working, caring, thoughtful, smart, and has more integrity than anyone I know. Your dad has made me the happiest woman in the world and has encouraged, led, challenged, loved me and pointed me to Christ better than anyone else. He will always be my first choice. He will always be my preference. He will always be the man who holds my heart. No matter what happens it has only always been him. Watch his life. See what he does. How he speaks. He is a man that is safe to watch and worthy to emulate. He is the best man that I have ever met. You are blessed to have him as a father and I hope you treasure him. I love to see the way that you make his eyes sparkle. 

If I never get back in shape, buy a house, travel the world or wear fashionable clothes again it’s ok. My life has changed so much in a short time. Out of all of the jobs I have had or goals I have had nothing compares to this. You have made my life wonderful and enhanced it in a tremendous way. The Lord has used this gift of motherhood to draw me close to Him. He has used it to refine my heart, challenge my thinking and increase my dependence on Him. It is the hardest thing I have ever done and drives me crazy unlike anything else. I won’t be perfect, there isn’t a cut and dry method. When I am going through my day, waiting for Mads to drink her milk and helping Cole’s tummy feel better I am praying for wisdom and discernment. I am asking the Lord for a graceful and joyful heart. Daily I evaluate my schedule and habits and beg the Lord to make me into a Godly woman who can live a life that imitates Christ. I want you to see an eternal perspective in my heart and an intimate relationship with Him. Please look past my shortcomings and be encouraged by grace. Please see my heart and the deep love for you my precious ones. 

i am your mom. plain and simple. i didn’t pick you. you were a gift and i am grateful. my heart is overflowing with love for you. our family is what it is because of you. i celebrate mother’s day because of you.